We the human race are quite the sorry bunch, and thanks to “progress” it’s easier than ever to indulge our own douchbaggery with gadgets. Often times we get away with it, but sometimes we don’t. Here are five attempts to influence fate with the help of gadgets, ranging from gaining a competitive advantage to simply pure perversion.
Goalie Uses iPod to Win Penalty Shootout
The Gadget: iPod Classic
The Crime: Cheating
Ben Foster Plays Patty Cake With the Ball
What Happened: In some English competition called the Football League Cup—named the Carling Cup this year thanks to some massive lager-driven sponsorship—Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur ended the finals tied at 0, so the game went into penalty shootout to determine a winner.
While waiting for his turn to defend the goal, Manchester United goalie Ben Foster watched videos of Tottenham players taking penalties on his iPod. Advantage Foster: as goalkeepers basically have to guess where to jump when defending against a penalty kick, Ben refreshed his memory over his opponents’ tendencies, boosting his anticipatory abilities.
Did it Work? Yes. Foster blocked two shots, and the New York Yankees of the football world won the shootout 4-1. Hotspur fans cried foul, but the Football Association decided not to take any action.
Next time: You’ll probably see goalies wearing specially-designed shades. Complete with a HUD that calculates wind speed and ball trajectory real-time, these goalie goggles will interface directly with the leg and arm muscles, making a goalie jump into a ball’s path in record time while positioning that out stretched hand in just the right place.
Adulterous Husband Blames iPhone “Email Glitch”
The Gadget: iPhone
The Crime: Lying
The iCondom. It just works.
What Happened: A girl calling herself “Susan042764” on the Apple.com forums discovered that her husband used his iPhone to send an email with a “raunchy” picture of himself attached—to another woman.
So what did the husband do when confronted with the evidence? He admitted to taking the picture (ewwww), but then went on to create perhaps the most memorable gadget-related fiction ever. Susan’s words relate it best, so here goes: “He claims that he went to the Genius Bar at the local Apple store and they told him that it is an i-phone glitch: that photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent. Has anyone ever heard of this happening? The future of my marriage depends on this answer!”
Did It Work? No. A grateful Susan ended the thread with this: “my atty is working on the divorce complaint… I wanted to remain open to the possibility that it was all some big mistake (I think that he is the big mistake) and thank everyone who provided input on this discussion.”
Next Time: Adulterous spouses will learn how to lock their personal gadgets to protect them from casual skimming. You can never be too careful when covering your tracks!
Pervert Captures Erin Andrews in the Buff
The Gadget: A Peephole Camera
The Crime: Stealing (privacy, that is)
The Erin Andrews' Equation: Blondes + Sports = Hot
What Happened: Sometime last year or early 2009, ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews was getting ready for yet another public appearance. She walked around a hotel room naked, painstakingly fixing her hair in front of a mirror and making sure she looked great. Like any other human, she also scratched her privates and butt, safe in the knowledge that no one saw her committing such unfeminine sins.
Unfortunately, someone captured all of that through a peephole (link is NSFW)—and posted segments of the 5-minute video on the Internet! And the Erin Andrews camp only took note last July, months after the video was made public.
Did it Work? Well, men all over the world have now seen Erin Andrews naked. Even if the video quality sucks, it’s still attracting all those “Erin Andrews nude” searches on Google.
Next Time: Sick and tired of all the perverts looking for a good view, some beautiful woman will invent a distortion field that bends light around a certain area, automatically blurring out privates regardless of where you’re trying to perceive them from. Even better, the field generator fits into a hairpin.
The USB Flash Drive Disguised as a Tattered USB Data Cable
The Gadget: A Cleverly-Designed USB flash drive
The Crime: Lying
Nice suit - check. Expensive watch - check. Tatty USB cable - check.
What Happened: Designer Windell Oskay came up with the idea of disguising a 2GB flash drive as a USB data cable with a tattered end, naming it HACKED!â„¢. It seems like an exercise in creativity Windell most likely considers this an exercise in creativity, but at least one blog considers such garbage-inspired design as a security measure: “Think about it. Who’s going to steal a gadget which looks like nothing more than a slashed cable? Other than the most hardcore of kleptomaniacs, the Hacked! gadget should remain safe from dirty fingers. Feel free to include any sort of sensitive info you desire.”
Did it Work? Think about it: you’ve been following around someone who always pulls out a broken USB cable and plugs it into his laptop when he starts working. Why? Could it be something important? Maybe you can just run over and grab the tattered end to easily yank the contraption out?
Next Time: Maybe people will realize that it’s better to keep sensitive info on a properly-secured laptop, since it’s easier to steal a flash drive, no matter how cleverly it’s disguised?
Top-Level Swimmers Use Form Fitting Bodysuits to Break World Records
The Gadget: The Speedo LZR Racer Suit
The Crime: Cheating
Wanted for Female Competitive Swimmers: Tankinis
What Happened: Since time immemorial, professional swimmers have shaved body hair and worn head caps to reduce drag in the water and cut down times. Eventually, someone at Speedo realized that putting the athlete into a form-fitting bodysuit would reduce drag even more. With the help of the Australian Institute of Sport, sponsored athletes, and even NASA, Speedo developed the LZR (pronounced “laser”, sans the air quotes of Dr. Evil) Racer Suit.
Since making it’s debut back in February 2008, the suit has helped swimmers cut down on times significantly. In the Beijing Olympics, 94% of all swimming heats were won with the suit. Pretty soon swimmers started wearing two suits at a time, one on top of the other, to maximize the advantages created by the body compression and buoyancy provided by the LZR.
Did it Work? Apparently well enough that 17 world records fell in a December 2008 swimming, primarly thanks to the suit. FINA, swimming’s international governing body, has voted to ban body-length swimsuits. Starting 2010, the maximum coverage area is from the waist to the knee for men, and from the shoulders to the knee for women.
Next Time: Forget about bodysuits or special swimwear! Next-generation swimmers will be genetically engineered in the test tube to be born with long torsos, short legs, oversize hands and feet—complete with webbings between each digit!
Pardon me, but WTF? Not sure how you come to the conclusions (a) that this was intended for security or (b) that dishonesty is involved here.
a) Never said you intended it for security
b) The blog post detailing your invention was dishonest, not you.
Just to be clear, “garbage-inspired” describes the “look” of your creation. It is not a judgment of your creativity.
Windell Oskay has rotten customer service. I tried to buy over $800 of his deceptive “open source” interactive LED tables. The web page header on his site said “Open Source” but it’s not. And when asked, he became quite nasty. Insulting really. He seems quite full of himself and refuses to admit his site was not accepting orders (or was broken).
Stay away from Windell Oskay and any products for sale from EMSL.
To the anonymous insulter: The overwhelming majority of our customers are happy with us, and we receive a huge amount of positive feedback, especially for technical and customer support.
Although we have enjoyed your hilarious insults for a year and a half now, you were never a customer– nor did it ever appear that you wanted to be.
Rather, you started with incorrect assumptions. When we tried (and politely) to set you straight, you began your truly impressive tirade of insults. Honestly, I think it worked out well everyone concerned– except poor Gadzooki –you didn’t get a product you didn’t want and we didn’t have you as a customer, plus we can always look forward to your next e-mail message.
Sorry for the undeserved interruption Gadzooki. And Rico, thank you for the clarification; I understand perfectly. 🙂
I blog often and I really thank you for your content. Your article has really peaked my interest.
I am going to book mark your website and keep checking for new details about once a
week. I subscribed to your Feed as well.
Good blog you have here.. It’s hard to find excellent writing like yours these days.
I really appreciate people like you! Take care!!
What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this site daily, this web
site is genuinely pleasant and the users are actually sharing nice thoughts.
Does your website have a contact page? I’m having a
tough time locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an email.
I’ve got some recommendations for your blog you might be interested in hearing.
Either way, great blog and I look forward to seeing it grow over time.
Hmm is anyone else having problems with the pictures on this blog loading?
I’m trying to find out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog.
Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.
With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement?
My blog has a lot of completely unique content I’ve either authored myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it
up all over the internet without my agreement.
Do you know any techniques to help prevent content from being
stolen? I’d certainly appreciate it.
I pay a quick visit each day a few web sites and sites to read articles, however this web site gives feature based content.
It’s the best time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy.
I’ve learn this post and if I may I wish to recommend you
some interesting things or tips. Maybe you can write subsequent articles regarding this article.
I wish to read more issues approximately it!
Incredible! This can be among the most useful blogs I have ever arrive across on this subject. Actually this is excellent. I’m also an expert in this topic thus I can understand your hard work.
If you want to increase your experience simply keep visiting this web site and be updated with the newest gossip posted here.
you’ve gotten a terrific blog here! would you like to make some invite posts on my blog?
What’s up to all, as I am really eager of reading this webpage’s post to be updated regularly. It consists of fastidious stuff.Here is my web-site
I simply want to mention I am new to weblog and definitely liked your blog site. Most likely I’m likely to bookmark your site . You absolutely have great articles. Appreciate it for revealing your web-site.
You are so interesting! I don’t suppose I’ve truly read through a single thing like this before. So nice to discover another person with a few genuine thoughts on this subject. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This website is one thing that’s needed on the internet, someone with a bit of originality.
Generally I do not read post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very compelled me to take a look at and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, very nice article.
Aw, this was a very good post. Taking the time and actual effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I put things off a whole lot and never seem to get nearly anything done.
I am typically to blog writing as well as i truly value your material. The post has actually peaks my rate of interest. I am going to bookmark your website as well as maintain looking for brand-new information.
Very good article. I will be experiencing many of these issues as well..
Having read this I thought it was rather informative. I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this information together. I once again find myself personally spending a lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it.
Good blog! I really love how it is simple on my eyes and the data are well written. I’m wondering how I might be notified when a new post has been made. I’ve subscribed to your RSS feed which must do the trick! Have a nice day!
This website was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve found something that helped me. Thanks.
Having read this I believed it was extremely informative. I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this content together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it!
This actually answered my issue, thank you!
After looking at a few of the blog articles on your website, I really appreciate your way of writing a blog. I saved as a favorite it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back in the near future. Please check out my website as well and tell me what you think.
Your area is valueble for me. Many thanks !?
This web site is often a walk-through for all of the knowledge you wanted concerning this and didn’t know who must. Glimpse here, and you’ll absolutely discover it.
you have a great blog site right here! would you like to make some welcome messages on my blog?
You are so cool! I do not think I’ve truly read through anything like that before. So good to discover another person with a few original thoughts on this subject. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This site is something that is needed on the internet, someone with a little originality.
Spot on with this write-up, I seriously believe that this site needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably be returning to see more, thanks for the information!
This is a topic that is near to my heart… Thank you! Exactly where are your contact details though?
Your location is valueble for me. Thanks !?
I love reading a post that can make men and women think. Also, many thanks for permitting me to comment.
Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon on a daily basis. It will always be interesting to read content from other authors and use something from their sites.
Great blog post. I find out something a lot more challenging on various blogs day-to-day. It will certainly always be promoting to check out content from other authors and exercise a little something from their store. I?d favor to use some with the content on my blog whether you don?t mind. Natually I?ll provide you a web link on your web blog site. Thanks for sharing.
I truly love your site.. Pleasant colors & theme. Did you build this website yourself? Please reply back as I’m planning to create my very own site and want to know where you got this from or just what the theme is called. Appreciate it.
chloroquine itch mouse behavior
Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Many thanks, However I am having troubles with your RSS. I don’t know the reason why I am unable to join it. Is there anybody getting identical RSS issues? Anyone that knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanx!
This page definitely has all of the info I needed concerning this subject and didn’t know who to ask.
Howdy! I simply want to give you a big thumbs up for your excellent information you have got right here on this post. I’ll be coming back to your web site for more soon.
I’ll right away seize your rss feed as I can not find your email subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Please allow me recognize so that I may subscribe. Thanks.
You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the greatest blogs on the web. I’m going to highly recommend this web site!
Good blog you have got here.. It’s hard to find quality writing like yours these days. I seriously appreciate people like you! Take care!!
The next time I review a blog, I really hope that it doesn’t disappoint me as high as this set. I suggest, I know it was my option to check out, yet I really thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a lot of whimpering concerning something that you might repair if you werent as well hectic searching for attention.
You should take part in a contest for one of the highest quality blogs on the net. I will highly recommend this site!